Never Losing Hope...

They say, ‘better late than never’ for any realization one can have, but what if it’s too late for anything? This is exactly what is happening with me right now. After a decade of relationships, heart breaks, I am yet again at crossroads of life where I want just ‘that’ what I am losing…that is Adi, my unconditional best friend for 10 long years… someone whom I love more than myself but didn’t have the courage to fight a long distance barrier for…

It was July, 2005 when we had joined junior college and he was the first guy friend I made. There was a spark instantly between us, but since I was so entangled in the loop of my first relationship, I just didn’t pay heed to him. One of the finest boys I have ever come across, someone who I can trust blindfolded, someone who just stuck by through all the endurance that I put him thru, someone who cares about me irrespective of what I feel for him, someone who is unwavering towards what and how much he feels for me, someone who loves me for what I am, possibly even for what I am not. He is everything that a girl would ever need in a guy… A best friend, a companion, a listener…. I have known all of this about him forever now, but today when I am in a situation of losing him to someone else, I realize the worth of every minute he has put behind me, every moment we shared, everything….

I won’t be doing justice if I decide to pen down all that he has done to me for the last 10 years because I am sure there are tonnes of things that I just can’t express in words. They are things I have felt. The kind of feeling I have never had for anybody before. It’s beyond love, beyond companionship, beyond any imaginable relationship on the face of the earth… The only problem in all of this is that it took me something as horrible as losing him to realize his importance in my life… I have spent weeks, months, even years without him, but today I knowing what I’ll be losing if I won’t have him in my life… It’s probably the most selfish thought that has ever come to my mind and I am ready to risk everything I have for this, without really having any expectations…

No questions in my mind - whether he will come back? What would he have to say? Where do we begin from? He might have a 100 questions or probably none… This dilemma is killing, each passing second is haunting but I need to accept it and have patience if I really want this… All I want is to be in touch with him, all I want is to have him around, and all I want to do is tell him how much he means to me, all I want to listen is what he feels for me… I am literally waiting each minute for him to accept me because I’m still the cute nose female (CNF), I am still his Maya…