28th September, 2018
Exactly a month back, Yash, on an unfateful, unfortunate day, decided to give up on this relationship that we shared. In the already grieving time when he lost his grandmum, in precisely 5 days, he decided to add to the already existing desolation. I know talking about settling down, marrying in such times is plain insensitive and completely unnecessary. In probably a simpler relationship, digesting this would have been easier and even a choice that anyone would have made. But between us, he had already consumed too much, accepted too much - too much pain, too much compromise, too much letting go and much more that too at a tender age with responsibilities already bogging one down.
But he wasn't the only one accepting things and compromising - i knew what he came from, i knew his past, present and future. None of them wavered my thoughts about him, my plans with him, my future that i woke up to each morning, my dreams which were everything i desired with him... Was it my age, was it my sad list of break ups, failed relationships that made me accept things and him by overlooking extremely important things that hinted major things about what and how will unfold with him. Isn't that what is love - uncalculated, unthought of, impulsive, ecstatic, impractical, something that will make you skip a beat even if you thought of that person. Many confuse it with practicality and soundness.
So yes, my past, my life what has happened to it, the incidents that have made me what i am, he didn't really approve of them. I was despised for having shared everything with him. Stories of my past, the fact that i still miss Suraj, what i shared with anyone else, everything was getting collected. I never thought that all of this will get accumulated till a point of time where it overfilled his pail of patience and tolerance. And it overfilled like hot boiling lava and devastated this relationship like it never existed.
After having done everything to bring him back, to gain back the trust, to repent, to apologize and make him realize what he means to me, killing my ego, stomping my self-respect and throwing my dignity off a cliff, i came to terms that he has made up his mind and he wouldn't budge for anything in this world. He gave everyone different reasons. Things like i embarrass him, our fights are more than the good times, we are not predictable. Maybe all of it is true, maybe none of it is. What matters is did he want this anymore? No, he didn't. I still wonder what ticked him off. What made him take those decisions. What made him behave the way he did? I still have tonnes of questions unanswered. The closure that he gave me as charity didn't help with anything cause it was forceful and unwanting from his end.
It's been a month, i still am as stuck with many more questions along with self-doubt, negative morale and exploited self-respect and dignity. But there are certainly many realizations that have struck me in this course which i am very grateful for. I wish i get out of this soon and pave a more figured out path for myself in life. I'm done fooling around and hurting myself.
