Never Losing Hope...

They say, ‘better late than never’ for any realization one can have, but what if it’s too late for anything? This is exactly what is happening with me right now. After a decade of relationships, heart breaks, I am yet again at crossroads of life where I want just ‘that’ what I am losing…that is Adi, my unconditional best friend for 10 long years… someone whom I love more than myself but didn’t have the courage to fight a long distance barrier for…

It was July, 2005 when we had joined junior college and he was the first guy friend I made. There was a spark instantly between us, but since I was so entangled in the loop of my first relationship, I just didn’t pay heed to him. One of the finest boys I have ever come across, someone who I can trust blindfolded, someone who just stuck by through all the endurance that I put him thru, someone who cares about me irrespective of what I feel for him, someone who is unwavering towards what and how much he feels for me, someone who loves me for what I am, possibly even for what I am not. He is everything that a girl would ever need in a guy… A best friend, a companion, a listener…. I have known all of this about him forever now, but today when I am in a situation of losing him to someone else, I realize the worth of every minute he has put behind me, every moment we shared, everything….

I won’t be doing justice if I decide to pen down all that he has done to me for the last 10 years because I am sure there are tonnes of things that I just can’t express in words. They are things I have felt. The kind of feeling I have never had for anybody before. It’s beyond love, beyond companionship, beyond any imaginable relationship on the face of the earth… The only problem in all of this is that it took me something as horrible as losing him to realize his importance in my life… I have spent weeks, months, even years without him, but today I knowing what I’ll be losing if I won’t have him in my life… It’s probably the most selfish thought that has ever come to my mind and I am ready to risk everything I have for this, without really having any expectations…

No questions in my mind - whether he will come back? What would he have to say? Where do we begin from? He might have a 100 questions or probably none… This dilemma is killing, each passing second is haunting but I need to accept it and have patience if I really want this… All I want is to be in touch with him, all I want is to have him around, and all I want to do is tell him how much he means to me, all I want to listen is what he feels for me… I am literally waiting each minute for him to accept me because I’m still the cute nose female (CNF), I am still his Maya…

Wishing for a better tomorrow...

Life…it can get enigmatic, serene and even painful at the same time. It’s been 10 years now that I have been in one relationship or the other. And till a while back, I thought I knew it all. What it is to be with someone, what is it to love someone, what it is to make someone your everything… But I most definitely didn’t. All these years, I have not valued people. I was happy just in the moment when I had someone to be with, someone to spend time with, being convenient to the core, being as distant to commitment as possible, not being bothered about anybody’s feelings and emotions towards me.. Yes, even I felt like I just listed down the qualities of a promiscuous woman. As filthy and disgusting as it sounded, I know how it feels to have known exactly how pathetic it is to be in this situation, as helpless as it could get, and with the only hope to undo the entire of last decade if I could…

With each passing day, my realisation gets stronger and my regrets bigger. I have lost not only people but a part of my life with each person who I had to let go…. life has been me enough and more kind to me in the past and that’s what has brought me to where I am… I wish I could have learnt what it is be to unwavering however difficult the situation is, I wish I could have held on strongly to the right things and not looked back at what was wrong for me…

Life always gave me two options- one which was obviously the more tempting, easy, achievable, convenient and satisfying while the other which difficult, certain yet painful, full of hardships yet definitely something that would make things works later on… as selfish as I am, I chose the easy way out…each freaking time… I thought all that matters at this point of time was NOW, the current time, the moment… I was striving to seize the moment cos it felt like nothing else mattered…

In this futile quest, I lost many things, love, people, my life…. Without giving a thought to anybody else, other than myself, I kept doing things blindly. Don’t know why my conscience never intervened my actions or was it that I was too deaf to even listen to it, too blind to see my future crumbling, too naïve to know the aftermath of everything I was doing…

Each day, I realise what I have lost, what could have happened differently, the mistakes that shouldn’t have happened, the words I shouldn’t have said, the things I shouldn’t have done... There is a moment each day where there is regret, there is rue, there’s hatred about the self that I was. This melancholy has to end or it surely will end things for me...

Today when I look back, I know I have a come a long way. The desolation has got the best of me and it’s very difficult for me to get back on my feet. But living life with all that I have learnt the hard way is the only way forward. I wish I could tell everyone how sorry I am for all my actions which has hurt them. Just repenting is not going to work I know. But I need to start somewhere. And this is where it is. I wish life gave me a chance to undo things.

I miss being loved...

I miss being loved, I miss being cared,

Cause yet again I’m despaired

For nothing seems to go as planned,

Seems like everything around me is damned

From being a perfect life, where it was just you and me,

To the current time where it’s just me and no sign of thee

From being together in every phase,

To dealing with life with so much haze

From planning things where we could seize the day

To doing things by myself without my bae

From spending time together like there’s no tomorrow

To only having memories which drench me in sorrow

They say there comes sunshine after every rain

I’m waiting for the time where there’s only happiness and no pain

Now when I look back, I remember and recall

The times I spent with you were the best times after all

You helped me defy my silly idea

That the time spent with a person is the only stupid criteria

I’m thankful for everything you have taught me

Be it science, bikes or just about anything from A to Z

I have never ever found a person like you

Cause there can’t be another gemstone as true

If I could, I would have undone all the things that happened

And never had a moment where you would be saddened

Cause not everyone’s lucky to have a person like you

You are, were and shall always be my adorable gru…