Life…it can get enigmatic, serene and even painful at the
same time. It’s been 10 years now that I have been in one relationship or the
other. And till a while back, I thought I knew it all. What it is to be with
someone, what is it to love someone, what it is to make someone your everything…
But I most definitely didn’t. All these years, I have not valued people. I was
happy just in the moment when I had someone to be with, someone to spend time
with, being convenient to the core, being as distant to commitment as possible,
not being bothered about anybody’s feelings and emotions towards me.. Yes, even
I felt like I just listed down the qualities of a promiscuous woman. As filthy
and disgusting as it sounded, I know how it feels to have known exactly how
pathetic it is to be in this situation, as helpless as it could get, and with
the only hope to undo the entire of last decade if I could…
With each passing day, my realisation gets stronger and my
regrets bigger. I have lost not only people but a part of my life with each
person who I had to let go…. life has been me enough and more kind to me in the
past and that’s what has brought me to where I am… I wish I could have learnt
what it is be to unwavering however difficult the situation is, I wish I could
have held on strongly to the right things and not looked back at what was wrong
for me…
Life always gave me two options- one which was obviously the
more tempting, easy, achievable, convenient and satisfying while the other
which difficult, certain yet painful, full of hardships yet definitely something
that would make things works later on… as selfish as I am, I chose the easy way
out…each freaking time… I thought all that matters at this point of time was
NOW, the current time, the moment… I was striving to seize the moment cos it
felt like nothing else mattered…
In this futile quest, I lost many things, love, people, my
life…. Without giving a thought to anybody else, other than myself, I kept
doing things blindly. Don’t know why my conscience never intervened my actions
or was it that I was too deaf to even listen to it, too blind to see my future
crumbling, too naïve to know the aftermath of everything I was doing…
Each day, I realise what I have lost, what could have
happened differently, the mistakes that shouldn’t have happened, the words I shouldn’t
have said, the things I shouldn’t have done... There is a moment each day where
there is regret, there is rue, there’s hatred about the self that I was. This melancholy
has to end or it surely will end things for me...
Today when I look back, I know I have a come a long way. The
desolation has got the best of me and it’s very difficult for me to get back on
my feet. But living life with all that I have learnt the hard way is the only
way forward. I wish I could tell everyone how sorry I am for all my actions
which has hurt them. Just repenting is not going to work I know. But I need to
start somewhere. And this is where it is. I wish life gave me a chance to undo
things.
No comments:
Post a Comment